~I
have wrestled with the angel and I am stained with light…~
—Mary
Oliver from her book Upstream—
I
have wrestled...
It speaks of a vulnerable
opening up and engaging rather than a protective crouching; honesty; courage
and the acknowledgment of fear; a staying-put and a willingness to ache. And it
calls for a “why.” Otherwise, what’s the point of staying when one could
easily turn, run, and hide? There are plenty of options for that and plenty who
choose them.
With
the angel...
To wrestle with the presence
of God…to hear the whisper and want for a windstorm, perhaps; to fear the
honesty of that encounter; to waver in the strength of conviction that we are
assured, “Nothing can separate you from my love…” or to grow hard of hearing…
And yet, to choose to engage
with the angel. To choose to wrestle…because in spite of whatever
trepidation, there is an attraction that won’t go away…an attraction that will
not leave behind a sense of peace if avoided or ignored.
Stained
with light…
To be marked by struggle and
have that mark be a stain of light…I find that entirely beautiful: To
become more transparent through struggle…to become more whole, more human, in
that revelation…and to have that look like light…feel like light…Be light.
This is all certainly
something to consider in a unique way as the liturgical season of Lent deepens…
Though, it is something I
consider each time I find myself engaging the angel in a match and over the
course of our time together answering her question— What is my ‘why?’
And I come back over and
again to Love.
Love in its fullness and
complexity. Love in its freedom and welcome and beckon and home and
sending… Love in its relationship, its forgiveness and mercy…
Love in its light, in its
light, in its light…
And then, for now, the
tussle is eased and the stain spreads just that much more.
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